Although this presentation comes out of a story of loss, I see it first and foremost as

a celebration of life ... an expression of beauty -- of wonder – and of mystery.

It is about inspiration and discovery -- or perhaps re-discovery...
and about remembering who we are – at a deep level.

Change is about being called to move beyond the familiar structures in our lives and our usual ways of doing things. It is a journey that I will portray today thru my personal story interwoven with images of the beauty of the natural world.

I think beauty alone has a powerful effect on our psyche -- and many of these images convey a sense of mystery and symbolic meaning that goes beyond words, often evoking deeply personal responses ... imagination ... and intuitive knowing.

All the images are by my husband, photographer Courtney Milne, who died in 2010 ... all are now courtesy of, and available through the University of Saskatchewan Library and Archives.

This presentation emerged out of many people asking me, after Courtney died, what I call the ‘default’ question: how are you doing? ... the question that was impossible to answer. At some point, out of my mouth popped: I’m reinventing my life.

I have always thought we have the opportunity to reinvent our lives every day – but we often take this for granted ... this ability to make changes, or different choices. 

Changes can keep us healthy and curious – some people love continuous change, while others prefer what feels like the stability of the status quo -- but even if we do thrive on change and new experiences, we like to be in charge of when and how this happens.

I have discovered that reinvention is no longer a choice, but a necessity when we are thrust into any major life-altering experience -- it may be a change in life circumstances brought about through a retirement, a major move, a new job, an illness, parenthood, a child leaving home, loss of a beloved pet – or loss of a cherished dream ....

It may be a loss of relationship through divorce or distancing ... or feeling overwhelmed with the global, social and planetary upheavals of our time -- with homelessness, addiction and climate change ....

... or it may be the dramatic – or perhaps the quiet, insidious changes brought about by aging ... the changes that some of us are reminded of every day when we get up in the morning...

And for many of us -- as it was for me with Courtney’s death -- it is the monumental, heart rending, inexplicable change with the death of a loved one ...

the unknowable mystery that throws us

into the abyss ...

the chaos ...

the unknown ...

We must learn how to carry our grief, and to make peace with the mystery of this thing we call life – and death. We feel helpless. Many of these major changes are not reversible ... but we do have a choice on how we respond to them.

I have found the process of adjustment in any of these life changes revolves around three interwoven major tasks:

I call these tasks my 3R's ~

ONE is the need to re-claim ourselves, who we are today – we need to find that sense of self that might have been lost or diminished in the relationships which have now changed;

SECOND is the need to re-invent our lives – to find new meaning and purpose after that loss -- and to realize we can make choices on what that will look like ... and then the

THIRD is to challenge our creativity to find ways to re-enchant and enliven that new life that is emerging out of the shadows.

In fact, my need for reinvention had a double whammy – the loss of Courtney as my life partner, and also an enforced ‘retirement,’ as all of my work in the past 25 years had revolved around Courtney’s work, which was no more – so I needed to explore who I was on more than one front. 

I have found that these processes to re-claim, re-invent, and re-enchant are not linear.

This is very much a circuitous journey, many times requiring me to circle back to the past to retrieve what is still meaningful, and to find a place for it in the present.

This process is not new ... we have all been called to do this again and again throughout life ... but it may feel harder at this time, until we see the re-emergence of possibility and find ways to weave these new possibilities into the texture of our lives ... and perhaps to create sanctuary for ourselves in previously unseen places.

It is my personal re-weaving process that I will be sharing with you in this presentation.

I have found that stories often portray more than words alone. Perhaps this story inspired by Emily Perl Kingsley will illustrate how it might feel when life intervenes in unexpected ways.

Let’s set the scene:

I invite you to just imagine:

All your friends are going to Italy -- it’s the place to travel – You have to go --- so you buy your ticket .... you sign up for a class in conversational Italian ... you read the guide books ... you’ve booked into a romantic old villa in Tuscany ...

In Venice you’ll be serenaded by gondoliers plying you through the canals under a starlit sky... you’ll walk the pilgrimage path to Assisi

... and hike the Cinque Terre on the sun-drenched Italian coast ...

... finally, the day comes, and after a wonderfully smooth flight, your plane lands and the captain announces: Ladies and Gentlemen, Welcome to Holland ...

What Happened?

Now, Holland is a wonderful place – but this is not on my itinerary ... I don’t have a guide book ... I can’t speak the language ... my wardrobe is all wrong – what am I doing here? ... this isn’t what I asked for ... and suddenly your life doesn’t feel so much like this golden coastline ...

... but perhaps more like this ....

This story illustrates what happened when Courtney was diagnosed with multiple myeloma ...

... the event I called our ‘left-hand turn’... where life throws you a great big curve, flowing down a river of mystery ...

where you’re plunged into the darkness ... into the unknown

... starting here in Scotland at the Standing Stones of Callanish, and then to Egypt where

he played with double exposures of the sun and moon on the pyramids at Giza ...

In Kenya we met locals in a small Kikuyu village, and young warriors on the Masai Mara ...

... communed with flamingoes at Lake Nakura on the floor of the Rift Valley ...

and climbed sand dunes in the Namib Desert in Namibia on the west coast of Africa ....

Later, on the other side of the world, we stood breathless at 14,000 feet on the slopes of Mt. Chimborazo in Ecuador ...

Courtney explored the mystical statues on Easter Island ...

... and at the North end of the world, the whimsical volcanic landscapes of Iceland ...

... then back to South America ... here he is greeting a llama at Machu Picchu ...
and celebrating after slogging through the jungle to view Angel Falls, Venezuela, the highest waterfall in the world ...

... and explored the vivid mineral-red waters of the Caruna River, below Angel Falls.

As time went on, there was more travel together ... on cruise ships doing Sacred Earth shows with images, music and Courtney’s commentary ... publishing 12 books and doing art shows at home ... and we celebrated our wedding in the park in Saskatoon.

Twenty years to create an exotic life together ... and then, suddenly, we were

picked up by an unseen hand and dropped onto a parallel road ...

... a road in ‘Holland’ ...

... without a guidebook ....

Life moved us forward, inexorably pulling us into the mystery – giving us a

deeper understanding that the only thing in life that is really predictable,
is that change WILL happen.

So how do you start to reclaim your life when you unexpectedly land in the metaphorical Holland ...

... without a guidebook ...
In this presentation I use a lot of what I call “R” words:

... words that start with the prefix “re” – meaning - "to go back", or "to do again" ...

Our first R-word was Reclaim, which we started together, when we were given Courtney’s diagnosis –-

Our Reclaiming required a re-calibration of all of our relationships, finding a new identity for both of us ... individually ... and together ... in this ‘Holland’ place ... 

It became a borrowed, gentle time ... slowing down, more living in the moment ... and creating a refuge, a sanctuary for healing on our rural property in Grandora ... where we continued to do the things we could still do, and still wanted to do.

Here’s Courtney sitting in his wheelchair on the sundeck, planning, writing ideas in his University of Saskatchewan notebook as he had always done ... there was time for him to delight in cataloguing his images on the computer, and to prepare for a solo exhibition of his work at the Mendel Art Gallery in Saskatoon.

Time to receive some awards – here as one of the 100 Alumni of Influence from the College of Arts and Science at the University of Saskatchewan.... being honored by the Professional Photographers of Canada ... and time for some fun – going out to a Connie Kaldor concert – and time to share with friends at home.

We didn’t know how long that time would be – and it was supposed to be longer -- but due to complications it was a year and a half – time to discover more ‘R’ words ... a lot of re-vising, and re–envisioning. As we faced the physical and emotional ups and downs on this path, we often called on our favourite mantras -- ‘correct and continue’ ... ‘this too shall pass’ ... and ‘onward and upward.’

Courtney loved puns, and he kept his sense of humor to the end. He had often told this story as a joke – and then it became more of a reflection of our reality. It was about a little boy who was incorrigibly enthusiastic and positive about life ... a lot like Courtney.

The boy desperately wanted a pony for his birthday. His father said no, it was not realistic, but he also felt he needed to show the kid that not everything in life was about fun and games.

So for the boy’s next birthday, the father ordered a pile of horse manure delivered on the front lawn. When the kid opened the door, he whooped with joy, ran for his shovel, and started digging in it. The father rolled his eyes and said: what are you doing! -- and the kid replied (excuse the language) -- with all this shit, there’s gotta be a pony in here somewhere!

So, the reclaiming was about looking for the blessings -- the possibilities – and the pony – and it was also a reminder of what Mark Twain said:

you can't depend on your eyes

if your imagination is out of focus ...

Some time ago I read a rather whimsical book called
The School of Essential Ingredients,
by Erica Baumeister ...

one of the characters says:

Each person's heart breaks in its own way ... and each has a different cure.

After Courtney died, my process of reclaiming involved trying to unplug my energy from flowing back to the past, to what was now lost ...

to diminish the constant replays – the ever-present regrets, the if only’s ...

the what if’s ...

and instead to Pause ... to retreat, to reassess ... and when renewed, to resume and to move forward -- and, I have found that memories do become more fluid over time as I hold them in a new way, as a background light to my life that allows some re-conciliation with the past ... developing what the Buddhists might call a right relationship with the past

–- and with the present.

So for me, reclaiming was about recalling myself and releasing resentments -- allowing myself to ‘feel again’ ... at a time when I was so acutely aware of the fragility of life ... and of my own mortality. 

The most powerful tool in all of this has been to remain in the present – to feel the moment-to-moment rhythm ... opening to what is being revealed...

... and perhaps finding more of that pony!

Although sometimes rather than revelation ... 

it feels more like a revolution,

and topsy turvy chaos ...

So it’s about sifting through and picking up the pieces ...

... finding your reserve ... and ways to reconcile with this new version of yourself.
To relent, continuing to soften into yourself.

Making peace with this new version of yourself.

This takes time... step by step ... again and again ... until, eventually,
you find your re-entry point – where you can truly say,

‘YES’ to life.

For me, this musical sequence with images speaks to that cycle of reclaiming and renewal. In early spring on the Prairie the sun is often warm enough to melt the top layer of snow, but then it re-freezes overnight ...

Using a long lens on his camera, Courtney discovered that the ice particles re-formed into these magical shapes and prisms of color.

He created a whimsical series of images he called the Journey to the City of Light.

Perhaps this is another metaphor for us -- to find ways of stopping ourselves from re-freezing as we continue to open to life ... to look for the beauty hidden beneath our upper layer – the crustiness that we show the world. In this musical sequence, Prairie songstress Heather Bishop invites us to join her as she says, listen - to the tender voice deep down in my heart - and say YES to it.   [watch for audio visual version with music to be added here]

Many wise people have said the deepest challenges in life hold the greatest light ... I think our left-hand turn was the biggest challenge we faced.

So, how does one Re-invent a life?

How can we Re-imagine a life? Where is your Re-set button?
How do we Re-boot ourselves? How do you Re-fresh this page of your life?

I feel grateful that I had some structure to fall back on ...

The work Courtney and I had done together, and the option to keep alive the beauty and the inspiration of that has kept me moving forward – being here today sharing this with you, is part of that, and gives new meaning to my life ...

In honour of this philanthropic work, Fred was named a Commander of the Order of the British Empire, presented by Queen Elizabeth II. In an interview on the BBC, he was asked: Mr. Mulder, why do you do this?

I think he showed his Prairie and Canadian roots when he answered: partly because I see a need ... but more so, he said, I do it because I can.

So, whenever I doubt what I’m doing, I remember Fred’s comment ... I do it because I can.

If only all of us could see with such clarity and self-respect. I am reminded of the words of the Sufi poet Hafez, who said: I wish I could show you, when you are lonely or in darkness, the astonishing light of your own being.

SO – Re-invention might require a major reassessment of our beliefs about ourselves – and about the world.

Deepak Chopra, the eloquent explorer of the metaphysical, talks about seeing the world as a jigsaw puzzle. Each of us is a unique piece – and all the pieces are required to complete the whole picture. He asks: what is the shape of your piece? Does it need to be re-shaped to fit into the big picture? What does your DNA want to express? Where does your piece fit? And what would the picture be like without your piece?

So, it is about recognizing that our lives matter ... about being resilient, and flexible ... and able to stretch to fill the shape that is uniquely ours.

And to remember that it is never too late to carve out that piece, no matter what is happening in your life.

The renowned Canadian Jungian analyst, Marian Woodman, called this process coming home to yourself. Celtic poet, priest and philosopher John O'Donohue called it finding our ‘relentless originality’ ... O’Donohue suggests that no one else sees your life, feels your life, or stands on the same ground as you – no one else but you can really know what that’s like. He also calls this opportunity both a privilege ... and a burden.

I believe that Courtney’s ‘relentless originality’ emerged through his camera, as he immersed himself in the prairie landscape, like this horizon line anointed by the setting sun.

Then, using his imagination and his boyish sense of play, he had fun with a fisheye lens that curves the horizon like the bottom of a bowl. But, some years later, when he accidentally turned this image upside down it looked like this, and he called it Earth From Space ...

... the Earth he travelled for more than thirty years, photographing sacred landscapes on all seven continents, creating more than 500,000 images.

However ... in 1999 a big turning point came when Courtney serendipitously started photographing the swimming pool in our front yard, this one small space, 20 feet by 40 feet, right outside the front door – for 10 years, in all the seasons...

and through this he came to realize that the French philosopher, Marcel Proust, was correct when he said the real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes, but in having ‘new eyes’ ....

With great chagrin, Courtney wrote this poem about his experience with photographing the pool:

He searched the world over, and what did he find?

That Earth’s greatest treasure is the Eye of the mind.

For when he got home, as wise as a Fool,
He found the whole world, right there in his pool.

Forty-five thousand images later, the pool was still compelling, entrancing, and all-encompassing. He called it the Pool of Possibilities, because in these images he saw every nuance of life, full of wonder and enchantment.

In 2007 we published the Pool of Possibilities online e-calendar. Every day the subscriber receives a new photograph, with Courtney’s commentary called Poolside Wisdom.

This image is called Fullness. It is Aug. 11th on the Pool of Possibilities e- calendar.

It seems rather prophetic that Courtney wrote this Poolside Wisdom three years before he became ill. He said in part:

This morning I noticed bubbles forming near the intake pipe. Their fullness lasted no longer than several seconds. I am reminded that in geological time my lifespan is as fleeting as one of these bubbles -- yet the opportunity exists for me to leave an impression of my fullness.

He continues: Perhaps it will be a photograph or a piece of writing that will transcend my lifetime and convey my essence to future generations. He then asks: What best portrays the fullness of your existence?” ... and then he concludes with:

Sharing your truth ... makes who you are more tangible.

Like Courtney with the pool project, I discovered that my re-invention required a similar need to see with ‘new eyes.’ That still requires a lot of ‘R’ words, such as response-ability – not only taking charge of my life, but also having the ability to respond to what is around me. This might require re-evaluation, and research -- finding new ways – what to say ‘yes’ to, what to say ‘no’ to -- to recognize, to ‘re-cognize,’ to re-think ...

... and perhaps to then see what originally looked like an obstacle, might actually be an opportunity. This is an ongoing practice for me, because Re-invention is really about learning how to live again, and being resilient with any twist and turn life brings us.

With that experience, perhaps we, here, on Planet Earth, will be able to take heart in our life – so that we might avoid the pitfalls in this list of the Regrets of the Dying, as told to a Palliative Care worker:

1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.

2. I wish I hadn’t worked so hard. Courtney was always one for celebrating everything in life, and I still regret this ... it was harder for me to let go of my ‘nose to the grindstone’ attitude ... and I still remind myself every day to find more time for play.

3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.

4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends ... and,

the biggie perhaps:

5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.

I have discovered that for many people, some of our regrets may be based on false beliefs.

Here’s a rather ironic story that might allow us to laugh at how we humans can fall into misunderstandings: an elderly monk who has spent his whole life copying manuscripts in the monastery finally becomes the Abbot, and because some of the manuscript copies were getting tacky and unreadable, he decides to look at the originals in their Archive. Awhile later some other monks find him in the basement of the monastery; he is weeping as he is looking at the original text – he looks up at them and cries: it’s not ‘celibate’ ... it says ‘celebrate’!

I hope you are laughing ... as I now ask the million-dollar question: how do we find ways to celebrate?

If there is one thing I have learned from my “left-hand turn” experience, the one thing I tell everyone – and also remind myself:

Whatever is tugging at your heartstrings, or whispering in your ear ... whatever you are yearning to do: DO it! Do it NOW. Because that is your soul speaking to you ... and you never know when your left-hand turn might come ...

I encourage you to open the windows and the doors in your life – to venture through the doorways presented to you -- to seize each day and be open to surprises -- and to be informed by the poet Antonio Machado’s reminder: there is no path – you make the path by walking ...

as you open to possibility ... and allow the mystery to wander in ...

And finally, we come to Re-enchantment: How do we re-enchant our world?

I often think of enchantment as the delight or fascination of childhood, or even being under a magical spell, where everything is full of awe and wonder.



How do we find the childlike qualities that might allow us to return to that innocence -- to the fantasy and imagination that might re-ignite our lives at this time? I believe that re- enchantment starts with calling on, and opening to our own creativity, no matter what form that takes ...

... it might be painting, photography, writing your story, woodworking, baking bread, studying philosophy ... or perhaps showing a child the magic of growing plants ... the possibilities are endless – and perhaps it doesn’t matter what we do ... but that we persist ...

The great Canadian painter Emily Carr struggled her whole life to be acknowledged for her art ... she is now renowned worldwide for her unique vision. Her advice to us?

Do not try to do extraordinary things, but do ordinary things with intensity.

I think this may mean less about doing and more about being...

... being in the moment, feeling life’s presence ... exploring the wonder of our inner worlds ... and perhaps take to heart Emily Carr’s other invitation to live more deeply in nature ... seeking what she called the tremendous elsewhere that lies behind ...

which I see echoed here in Courtney’s image of a forest of light.

The poet David Whyte also invites us to move towards the mystery awaiting us ... he says: Once you are cracked open, you can never go back to what you were .... and you now have the opportunity to ‘turn sideways into the light’...

to turn away from that part of yourself that keeps you small -- and to step into the deeper conversation of your life.

So Re-enchantment often requires us to re-focus our attention, and our intention. Arthur Zajonc, a physicist who speaks also from his Buddhist perspective, reminds us:

Every object well contemplated opens a new organ in us ... we have to attend carefully, every object, well contemplated ...

This changes who we are – to the point where we begin to see things that we didn’t see originally ... and perhaps which no one before us has seen.
I don’t think anyone else has ever seen a swimming pool look like this.

So in my experience, Re-enchantment is about seeing with ‘new eyes,’ which often requires adjusting our viewpoints, and practicing ongoing, repeated attentiveness – to our relationships, to the people or things in our life, and to the world around us ...

It seems that many people are trying to entice us into our fullness – to see with ‘new eyes’ ... into the depth and extent of our Pool of Possibilities.

David Whyte has invited us to turn sideways into the light, into the rich, meaningful conversation that I think our souls are yearning for ...

John O’Donohue has urged us to discover our ‘relentless originality’ ...

Emily Carr seduces us to explore the magic awaiting us in the unseen natural world ...

In my experience, we often we hold ourselves back from moving forward, waiting for the ‘perfect’ time to take action. I do this myself. It is then that we might want to re-listen to Leonard Cohen’s song, Anthem, where he summons us to Ring the bells that still can ring – forget your perfect offering ... there is a crack in everything – that’s how the light gets in.

Civil Rights leader Howard Thurman suggests:

Don’t ask yourself what the world needs ... rather, ask yourself what makes you come alive ... and then go and do that – because what the world needs is people who have come alive.

So Re-enchantment for me is about re-discovering joy ...

as I re-weave the tapestry of my life with

stillness ...

savouring ...

sauntering ... while opening to magic, to

beauty, inviting reverie, and leaving time to wander ...

and to wonder ...

... as inspiration, imagination and curiosity guide me in this expanding spiritual journey ... while also re-cognizing the underlying mythic structure of life -- seeing the re-current patterns of change and what deeper story of my life is playing out, and trying to emerge.

Writer Richard Rohr said: At some point in life, you reach the stage where your task is to find a way to take the gifts you have received and cultivated, and give them to a worthy pursuit ...

... something that transforms and heals -- inspires -- blesses -- and teaches the world around you in some small way. And I would add, something that shines from your soul, and contributes to all that is good, to the wisdom in the world ... to the music of the universe.

I think - and hope – that this is the essence of this Gift of Change presentation ... about how we might live our lives to the fullest, and then find an opportunity to give our lives away ...

and we do that, as our friend Fred Mulder said, because we can.

Mark Nepo, the author of 7000 Ways to Listen, says: there is a sliver of beginning in each of us ... we need to lean in ... softly ... with a willingness to be changed by what we hear.

My own knowing has been enhanced by some of Courtney’s words, such as his suggestion in the CBC radio show,
“This I Believe”, where he said:

the presence of your being is the greatest gift you can give.

His final words to us were: from now on, the heart is in charge ... ... and his mission statement for his photography was:

To reveal life’s unfolding mystery .... not to try to solve it ...

The mystics tell us that God hid the light of creation in the world for us to see – and when we are fully engaged in the world, it is this embedded light that offers us a chance for awareness ... for self-reflection ... and for redemption...

After Courtney died, I created this final slideshow, because I have come to believe that seeing these images in the Pool of Possibilities may have been a rehearsal for Courtney ...

a means to re-member his connection to the universe.

These impressionistic and mystical images have also helped me to make peace with the mystery of his passing.

The images he saw in the pool enriched what I call his Landscape of Consciousness – an expression of his soul.
I think it allowed him to feel that his work was done, and also prepared him for the other-worldly journey he has now embarked upon.

The music here is from Mythodea, written by Vangelis for the 2001 NASA mission to Mars.

In the notes from this album, Vangelis says:

... all the codes of creation, and the evolution of the universe are ingrained inside each of us ... memory
is stronger than learning ... whenever we allow it to be.

So let us look at these final gifts of light and memory – where we are rewarded with my last ‘R’ word ... an opportunity to REJOICE -- in this glimpse of the Cosmos through Courtney’s images from the Pool of Possibilities, with Vangelis’ music from Mythodea.   [watch for audio-visual version to come]

—————

... as we return to earth ... and the mystery of our life here continues to evolve ... I will close with this self-portrait of Courtney silhouetted in the winter pool adorned with snow and sunset light.

I want to wish you many blessings and grace during your ongoing journey.
I hope, as you respond to the gifts that flow from the changes in your life, that you will find that sliver of beginning ... and create many opportunities to discover the wonder ... the promise ... and the enchantment awaiting you in your Pool of Possibilities.

Thank you for sharing this journey with me.